candles , sketching and wine...

it's friday night and I had dinner with girlfriend , I met doing yoga at Jivamukti...
she is a great spirit and we have such amazing conversations for what's happening in our lives , all laced with our love of truth , integrity and love ..
she is a generous spirit and loving soul.....
My last post put me out there , and I must say that I appreciate all the supportive notes that have been left , they are very inspiring and encouraging...
I want to also clarify that I set up this blog to be able to one day look back at this time and honor the journey and acknowledge the road already traveled. I also feel a bit exposed but it is not a time to let your pride run the show , I am present to my humanity , and my ability to see possibility even in this....and there are days.....there are days....

I sent my resume out today to Jones New York they are looking for people on all levels for several divisions ..... I also finished up the numbers in my business plan with all the start up costs and the strategy plan for sales and profit growth over the next 5 yrs. It is the road map for me for the next 5 yrs . How many dresses to design ,the costs etc...it is exciting and I get so inspired by it , like it becomes so real and scary at the same time...
I see it happening ....
night ..

F***

left the hotel on Tuesday, with so much pain , lost and feelings of failure . My daughter's pain on top of my own. She is ashamed and feeling homeless...
we are f*** ing homeless...!!!!
she is right to feel all that she is feeling..
and that is hard to take on ...
hard to absorb...
I am looking for places ..
and so far it's all about having the deposit and the credit check ....
Now..
I am temporarily staying with my long long time best friend and Ynes's godfather's place . Its cozy as heck, clean and neat, and filled with his generous heart....
I am grateful and clear this is very temporary and I am on a serious hunt, for both a job and sublet..
that's all I can say ..
this is what it looks like ..
Question to all who are reading this...
let me know you are
and how can I help my daughter ....
what can I say to her ........
if you have any advice please share..............
night

candles, wine , a juicey medi fest and good friends...

It's been awhile since I've last posted. This is a tough blog to write and put out there. I don't know what I was thinking at first. The last few weeks in the hotel were weird and fine and just plain strange. I am in no way ungrateful but the situation was meant to be temporary as I thought I'd land a job by now and have a better footing to secure a place to live ....and it's almost November and I am in action around forwarding my business , but also interviewing and being clear that I need to have some stability...
I had some weird nights..
One of the most powerful ones was when I woke up at around 4 am...as I thought something loud dropped on the floor next to my night table...I was wide awake....like I never slept , I lay there and my mind was talking to me ..like voices in my head...it was saying it's okay to die now ....you are safe , it's not anything to be afraid of..and I asked am I dying tonight and it just kept repeating to me ..it's okay ...death almost feels like this moment where you can just leave and it's okay....I was weirdly scared and okay at the same time ..like "who the heck is talking to me...I peered towards the small corridor to the door to see if someone really walked in the room.....it was so pure and clear the voice....it was in the room and in my head.....I laid there for at least 45 mins. breathing heavily , thinking am I going to pass in my sleep tonight ..
( Now don't be weirded out by this , later the following day my astrologer / psychic friend said to me it was an actual corridor that you had access to that night , the planets in my charts were making a major planetary shift , something they haven't done in 2 yrs and you were majorly affected by it ....) Well whatever the heck that moment was , I was awake , alert and present to very powerful feelings.
Another incident was just my panic attacks at night ....I felt how worry can affect you , and how there were just moments of being in the room all day where I went into such stagnancy .....had to get out....
so I did...
next chapter to follow...

Talking myself off my ledge....

It's been a stormy place in my mind , the last 24 hours. What turned out to be a blessing , I thought when I saw the e;mail stating I'd be receiving my much needed funds in 1-2 days on Thursday . Turned out to be a false start ...TD bank apparently is doing some mega system wide conversion. Transitioning the old Commerce Bank to 100% TD bank .....it is a big deal and so .....my funds are somewhere wrapped up in the milky way of system's information ..and won't post until ....Monday. But you must understand ..this information was not initially made aware to me...I called costumer service and the first person told me ...to check back after 5 because they are backing of the system....so I wait ....and then I hear of the whole system wide overhaul and they say to call back Saturday at around 8 am ....SOOOOOOO ....I WAIT T'ILL 8 am Saturday morning and instead I check my account at the ATM ...and NO ..........so needless to say my stomach is in knots. This isn't normal ...something has happened to my money ...maybe they deposited into the wrong bank account.....all my fears were stalking me ....I could hardly concentrate....I have been on the verge of tears all day ....and I've spent most of the day in my thoughts about , and the volume is up very loud in there....
( this is how the world is occurring to me...and I have indulged this world all day ...I have regressed today , I am clear. The occurring world is just how the world occurs for me ...it has not how the world actually is ...it is painted by my emotions, fears , concerns , anxieties and I live as if it is real....no fun in that space...)
- I want to be in my own home ......!!!
- I can't seem to figure out what the F***! is wrong that I can't seem to get a full time job..!!!!
- I feel alone ...I wish I had a man and he'd rescue me ...hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay...It's frigg'in Saturday night and I am alone once again...I'd like to be out having a nice glass of wine or a movie and or just chill'in in someones arms.....
-It seems like, I will never have what I want, everything I want is eluding me.....I fear for my funding ...is it really going to happen....why me .........UUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

I AM A TRANSFORMED HUMAN BEING FOR CHRIST SAKES...!!!!!
Indulging in this space is not healthy and completely out of integrity for me ..
So, as I share this , I am giving up that something is wrong with how my world is right now...
I am now going to end the pity party ......I am now saying it so...!!
But , I must tell you it takes something to get out of that space...
So , ( i love the creation part) I am going to start with what's most important to me..
1) I am going to have a permanent living situation by November.
2) My funding is going to solidified and or a full time position landed.
3) By Monday I will have my October living situation handled..
some how writing this all down makes me feel better ....like I tucked my worries away and handled my thoughts...
and for now ...I do feel better...
now to find a cute guy....I mean cute and I give him permission to be wealthy and successful ....it's okay ....REALLY .




-

angels dropping crumbs ....

Needless to say , I have been on a roller coaster the past few days ..my daughter's back to school flu/cold we don't know what it actually is was shared by both of us......and my dwindling bank account ....the hotel keeps holding my money and not telling me...........worries over the future ..............missing cooking our own food........all these are symptoms of living in limbo I know ....but angels drop crumbs to tell me to stay on course...( p.s. it's my blog so , I can leave out proper structure , we're having a conversation ) like today out of the blue , my next check from one of my freelance gigs came through so I can pay the hotel .....!!phew...!!
A friend offered to do a splash page for my upcoming collection ...for me it makes it even more real..
My creative director and I had a face to face meeting to set our game plan to now hunt and secure the funding in record time...!!!! PRAY..!!!
We have some leads .....but we need to make this real....you know what I mean.
But I have to believe that for some reason as much as I seem to be trying , I can't seem to get to a full time position , freelance seems to come just in time..( it would be nice if it came in a manner that I am not panting at the door ) And people seem to crossing my path at just the right time..
Like Ophira Edut...!!! .....she is like this angel of website, astroinsight and positive energy-ite..!! ( need to keep the rhyme flow'in) And friends who continue to encourage me to stay on dream......!!
All in all it is what it is ...
I am going to relax and act like I own the name...
and have FAITH IN GREEN........!!!!!
( my funding coming through and that God is taking care of all the rest..)
night..
it's late.......

91 years old and still counting !!!!!

In the glow of this most gorgeous early fall weekend we celebrated the 91st birthday of my grandmother . She can't remember from one moment to the next where anything is or even recognize her own pocket book sitting next to her. But she goes to the gym everyday , swims like a fish in any kind of water condition , and flies to PR every year to winter in the warmth of the Caribbean sun. Something to be said of all of my grandmother's practices. The warmth keeps her healthy and cold free, her daily exercise keeps her alert, and active and keeps the endorphins flowing which more importantly keeps her mental state positive and upbeat. We have learned to laugh at the things that are forgotten . Like the time she got ready to go to NYC a day early ...twice during the same day ...we just said ....oh well...you are ready for the real deal with all the practice you had today ...!!!! She laughed as we did..and it kept things light and not so dramatic.
I think it is the best way to deal with it ...and the key is not to laugh at her but with her. To keep it light ....
I love my Grandmother so much . She has been a pivotal presence in my life since the beginning of my life. She has been to all the most important events in my life and I pray ...she is at my first runway show. To show her that despite my set backs the past few years in launching , I have persevered and made it happen . I know for her she will feel at peace knowing that I have a roof over my head and headed in a direction that will lead to a more secure life.
I am excited to be posting a splash page that will announce the launch of my website this year. It is once again just another step closer to the goal !!!

Room 505 on 5 and then room 506 again on 5...left on the 10th...

a spooky room with a ghost....psyche!!!! It's just .my daughter striking a pose behind the curtain....of our room ....
I find this picture to be very telling ...an embarkation on a new chapter into the unknown. I can honestly say that I am creating what each day as I wake up .. ....it is like when I first arrived in Paris, no job, no real motivation to get myself up in the morning except my dream to work for a designer , learn to speak french and to meet a cool Frenchy.......I enrolled in the Alliance Francaise to have a purpose each day .... and there it started...
So here I am today ...an new dream to bring forth, in a new age, new era , millennium and new economic market.......
I invite all insights , encouragement and inspiration ......I am not prejudice .
P.S. > 5 seems to be a significant number for me this month anyone have an ideas .

the Friday Issue...!!

Spent the day with two close friends , all the while managing a fiscal emergency at the Smyth and still went to see the "The September Issue " thanks to my angel who graciously treated me today. I am blessed by angels who are in my path every day. I realized today that I have learned over the years to manage little emergencies by saying these are opportunities for me to be creative and to exercise my tenacity muscle . My inner mantra " NOTHING IS WRONG" only the story you make up about it ....and so I get into action ....!!! Mind you ..it is a mantra...you have to remember to say it , in order for it to sink in .
I enjoyed the September Issue a lot. I loved seeing the inside of what actually happens at the magazine. Not that much different from a design house. You always have someone to answer to and learning how to navigate , communicate and negotiate in order to have your voice heard is a invaluable tool. Some of you know very well what I'm talking about .....please share on here.
I was inspired by Grace Cottington's ability to tell beautiful stories and to harness her strong opinion and vision .....her stories couldn't be denied..!! I just wish we had more diversity....it is truly a missing.....and frankly I am even more motivated to make a difference in that area when I have my shows...and website. I don't plan on using just woman of color but rather express all the diversity we have in this country. So much beauty out there how can we be so limited at this day and age...
It was an interesting day . I forwarded my collection by spending time last night sketching , and writing down my inspiration ..
see next short post on some of what I am seeing ..
P.S. the Isabel Toledo show at F.I.T. was genius , one must see it up close to understand her mastery and inquisitive nature she brings to her clothing ...many of us do clothing and answer your wardrobe needs but she take the material , shape , form and human figure into very interesting accounts and blows my mind...loved...!

and the search goes on ....

Got word that a gig , I interviewed for is a no go...
Oh well....it was an out of state opportunity
the universe is continuing to answer....

Why FAITH......

This is my story , my journey as it continues to , unfold daily as I walk you intimately through the road to starting my own eco-luxury label. ..

This morning I am typing this while sitting in a king size bed in a room maybe 600 sq.ft big ....nice fixtures and a small minibar where a mere nibble on a snickers bar will cost you $6.00 ..I think you can get one for $1 up the street..but that means you'd have to get out of your coszy robe and massive king size posturepedic bed and walk 20 0r so paces up the street.....somethings do have a price.
where this might have begun....
Maybe 4 yrs. ago ( I think it might have been 5 yrs. but I like 4 better ....it's my frigg'in blog so ....I get to say) I was on the floor in front of Tommy Hilfiger and my then boss presenting sketches and ideas for a collection they'd cancel and fold on a few months later , but nonetheless I couldn't help but listen to my inner voice tell me ...."You can do this,you can be him, why are you giving all of your creative energy over to someone ...making millions for someone else label ..
Now , that is a question I would never thought cross my mind. I was a career designer happy to labor countless hours for a monstrous label that would reach millions of costumers around the country and the world even.....cool huh?
Okay but for me , I was content doing that , I made good money , benefits, travel , great friends and job security .....so I thought ...!!!!
It was that decision the I put out into the Universe that somehow led me to this point....
I am living month to month a freelance designer who happens to make more money illustrating than designing lately , with my 15 yrs old daughter in a 5 star hotel with funds I worked hours for sketching sexy ladies in sexy lingerie.....not bad . But I did mention to you it's month to month my belonging except for a smattering of random possessions in my Mom's garage are stored up in a storage unit in Queens somewhere for what I hoped would be on 2 months....it's month 3 now ...and counting .
Interviewing for positions outside the state, working on a business plan in order to apply for the several million dollars in funding needed to start up my line......
Oh yeah ...that .....the LINE......
Eco-fabulous chic edgy bridal for the modern woman seeking a new approach to bridal wear and seeking to write a whole new chapter on what it looks like to live an eco-conscious life....
I will tell you more ....but the computer makes me sleepy ....so off it goes while I take a 1/2 nap....